


In Which Kid Cable Tries to Divorce Deadpool

by archipelago41



Category: Cable (Comics), Deadpool (Comics)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:42:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26597743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archipelago41/pseuds/archipelago41
Summary: Nate's sort of, technically, married to Deadpool. He doesn't know what Old Man Cable was thinking, but he's definitely going to fix his mess. Again.He wants a divorce.
Relationships: Nathan Summers (Kid Cable) & Wade Wilson, Nathan Summers/Wade Wilson
Comments: 15
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> \- this is supposed to be funny
> 
> \- canon? Hah. Comics. Wade remembers his monster wife but not Ellie, if that matters. 
> 
> \- probably 3 parts.
> 
> \- also ao3 is not meant to handle however you're supposed to tag bable
> 
> \- this is bable & wade (kind of?) and wade/OG Nate because *spoiler* he comes back; he has to, this is comics

This isn't the only complication of killing your older self Nate's encountered, but it certainly is the weirdest. He's puzzled at first, but then he quickly realizes they haven't separated his and old Cable's papers. Again.

Human legal documents have always been a little iffy on either instance of Nathan Christopher Dayspring Summers, to be honest. They'll get around to issuing mutant ID cards one of these days, but it's not like they need them, not with the island itself vetting everyone. And the existence of telepaths. The mutant world is a small one, so he hasn't had a reason to know, but for paper purposes, they really should be considered two separate entities. 

Tell that to DNA-keyed systems. What's next, Stryfe come to impersonate him? 

"At least review it," suggests Uncle Logan. It's not all fight training with him; sometimes it's boring practical stuff like this. 

"Might as well start over."

The information pulls up as a projection. Only some of old him's information matters. Height, general appearance stuff that doesn't matter anymore, blood type, notes on the TO, two known bases, and next of kin. 

Nate blinks. "Deadpool? That Wade Wilson?"

"Could be some other Wade Wilson, if you wanted it to be. But it looks like Deadpool."

"But I have blood family. If not my parents, then Rachel? And Hope," he adds. Though it's extremely weird that Old Cable's daughter can be considered his daughter. They've not spoken much. Both of them consider it too weird, and he's not Hope's dad. He didn't raise her. 

It's the most awkward of his family relationships. 

"Wait, that says _spouse_. That has to be a mistake."

Uncle Logan tells Nate, "You got divorced. It was messy until it wasn't. Guess it never got changed."

He sends a message to the system for that. Nate's not allowed to unilaterally change the database. 

This might explain why everyone acts a little weird when talking about Deadpool, though that might just be Deadpool himself. Not a single person says anything about why Old Nate would have married the future king of Staten Island. The situation is actually ridiculous. What was old, dead Cable thinking? He must not have been. This means Nate has to continue cleaning up his messes. 

He checks some things. It's a bigger mess than he thought.

Dad looks extremely pained when Nate brings up the subject at dinner. And the thoughts that bubble up are very, very loud. _Oh God, not again._ "Your mother and I love you, and you know we always will, regardless of who you--"

"Gross." Nate raises a hand behind his head. No pulling punches. "Dad! I don't need a sexuality talk. Glad to know you love me, whatever. But _Deadpool? Him?_ How did that happen? Why? He's … crazy." 

The old him had no taste. 

"That is a question I could never get you--him to answer." Dad looks visibly more relieved now that Nate wasn't going to declare that he was running away with Deadpool. "You deserved better than him. Is something the matter with Deadpool? Is he being inappropriate to you?"

A part of Nate is glad that Dad wants to optic blast Deadpool on principle. "They weren't officially divorced when I retired old me."

Both his parents pull that face they do when Nate casually mentions decommissioning his senile old self. Ignoring it, he continues, "I checked it out, and it's still valid."

"Oh, that's a slight problem," Mom says. "We know where to find him, though."

That's the only reason he's in front of Deadpool, asking him to sign divorce papers. 

Apparently, mutants aren't allowed on Staten Island anymore. But that just means the monsters bring him in front of Deadpool on his throne.

"It's still not Kid Cable day," he gripes. "I would have put it on my calendar if it was."

"We're married. You're going to fix that." Nate might as well get it over with. 

"…Are we? Is that legally binding? You're jailbait. Married to jailbait. The universe is testing me, again, with this." 

"Again?"

"Yeah, you got deaged by Sinister and aged up fast," Deadpool says, flippantly. He turns, kind of oddly, like looking at someone. Nate can't read anyone else hidden in the room; he knows they've got a invisible person somewhere on this island. "C'mon, I know I can resist, but it's jailbait-Nate. I can't help but want to pinch his cheeks." 

Nate hates this kind of thing. The thing where people keep looking at him and seeing the old failure of himself that he won't ever be. He's going to make sure of that. And also, Deadpool isn't serious. He's never serious. Right? "I'm not jailbait."

Leaning forward, Deadpool pats Nate's cheek with his gloved hand. 

"How old are you, Bable?" Deadpool adjusts his crown. "Because with no wrinkles on your face, you're an infant. I want to know how bad of a cradle robber I supposedly am."

Nate backs the hell back up out of his personal space, in case he gets hugged again. 

"We're legally married," he can't help but bite out. Nate doesn't actually know how old he is. That's a consequence of being sent to the future, but he thinks he's about sixteen or seventeen. Someone back on Krakoa can tell him, if he really cared about it. "Because you married ancient me. This means this me, who's not made any of his shitty decisions, is married to you because of a legal technicality and paperwork."

"Yeah, but so's Shiklah, and she also married Dracula. It's really not a big deal unless we're commiting tax fraud." He says that, but he looks off into the distance. Deadpool may be king of the monsters, but he does have something like an emotion once in a while. 

Probably? Nate has to revise his whole world-view because Old Cable married _that_. Deadpool is insane. He's been assured of it. 

"So you're saying, I can get all these lawyers off my backs if I don't sign? They're still after me for damages because of her." Deadpool looks thoughtful, stroking his chin, and there's probably a horrifying grin underneath that mask. "Since New York isn't as progressive as any of the monster nations to recognize polygamy. Fuck, does that mean I paid settlements for nothing? My monies. My precious stacks of cash! 

"My hoard of coin! And bitcoin!" Deadpool raises his fist and shakes it. "You couldn't have come forward with this sooner?"

This is not how Nate thought this would go. He gestures to the papers that one of the monsters confiscated from him. "We need to get divorced."

"So soon? You need to get shotgun married? We could have a ceremony here for you and whichever--however many-- of those Stepford girls you knocked up and save the paperwork."

"No! I don't want to be married to you!" Nate rages. He could probably break something to make a point, but he's supposed to be better than that. "Isn't that reason enough?"

Deadpool sighs, and that's not a good sign. That sounds almost like a wistful sigh. "Look, come talk about this in five years when you can grow some scruff on your face."

"It's just a piece of paper!" Nate argues. "Why won't you just sign it? I'll do all the other paperwork."

"I get an officially sanctioned gate and unlimited Krakoa rights, right? I'm pretty sure this means I do. I've been growing a gate but I don't think I've watered it enough."

"No. Aren't you banned?" Nate's eye is flashing, and he's irritated. How the fuck did Old Cable put up with this? Nate is about halfway to drawing his sword to get things settled.

"Not anymore!" With a clap, Deadpool calls over what has to be a werewolf. They're hairier than Uncle Logan. "Night Wolf, escort my child-bride off the island." 

Nate walks back through the Manhattan gate. He grumbles. The least Deadpool could do was let Nate figure out if that supposed gate was real and something he needed to tell Krakoan security about.


	2. Chapter 2

Plan B is just forging Deadpool's signature and playing with electronic records. He's warned against that for international relations reasons, especially because it's such a small thing in the grand scheme of everything. 

It's a personal problem. 

He's not barred at the border to Staten Island, surprisingly. Apparently he's allowed. Everyone from Elsa the monsterhunter to a monster that might just be a tiger looks at him funny. Nate wonders if he has to challenge Deadpool to a duel for it. He looks like a duel kind of guy. 

He doesn't get the papers on the second try. 

Or the third.

Nate goes to the moon for a little bit to think it over. It's something he can deal with after dealing with more robots. He wants it done now, but fighting robots who want to take his sword is more pressing. 

He's got this. He even packed extra grenades. 

He wakes up with a killer headache, looking up to bright white lights. Hospital? No. He's not in a hospital bed. Not the lush green of Krakoa's healing meadows. Not a resurrection pod, looking up at his Dad's concerned and disappointed face. 

Nate looks around. He's got all his limbs and clothes with no major damage. He's … on some kind of stone altar. That's ominous. He's also been completely disarmed (completely, and who else knew where he kept his emergency bullets?) He feels naked without them. He can sit up. 

There's a flash of red that he can see out of the corner of his eye. Not--"Deadpool?"

"The one and only!" Thank small mercies for that. He pulls something out from his bag? Pocket? It's out of Nate's field of vision. "Hey, have you met Jeff?"

"That's a cute shark." It is a frankly adorable shark on Deadpool's gloved hand. What the hell. Why is it on land. Why is it so small. Why does he have it?

Nate feels like he walked into a weird timeline. Maybe he did. "Where am I?"

"The island formerly known as Staten, if it wasn't obvious. You're not injured. You're welcome. I took time out of my busy day to disarm the teenage arsenal at the door." He also gestured to a pile of metal in a corner. His gear! "I could have stuck you in a barn or the dungeon, so give me a little credit."

"What the fuck happened?" Nate's not sure "sacrificial altar room" is any better.

"Oh, okay, exposition time. Short story: You got kidnapped for ransom," Deadpool says. It makes a tiny bit of sense. "I came and collected you. Then I called your parents, and that honestly took longer because the X-Men really aren't into taking my calls. Except Rogue, but I had to go through that Mardi Gras husband of hers first."

"Ransom?" Nate repeats. "Did you pay it? How'd you find me?"

"No, of course not," he answers. "Do I look like I have money? And the second part is probably getting handwaved because you brought bodysliding tech, and it's either more functional and it used to be or less because our internals haven't gotten all close and personal yet. I've got Hurl to send me places even if it's totally fucking gross."

Nate understands none of that. "The bodyslide tech isn't working or I'd just have slid out."

"Handwave-central. They sent me a ransom letter, dumbass." Deadpool shrugs. "You had yourself 95% rescued by the time I got there. Your parents are going to pick you up soon, depending on traffic from the moon."

” The other 5%?"

"You passed out. You might have scraped your knees. I didn't kiss them better."

"Why'd you get involved? I can take care of myself."

"Habit? They sent me a letter. I'm not scummy enough to ignore it. I could have. No offense, Kid Cable, but I don't particularly want to be married to you, and that's aside from you being at least a decade younger then I'd like--"

"Neither do I. That's _what_ I've been trying to get you to fix."

"But I'm not divorcing Nate. My Nate. DILF Nate. DILF and did Nate."

Well, there goes any deniable plausibility that the marriage was a weird legal thing and not because Old Cable was fucking Deadpool. Not like there was any doubt about it, considering Dad's reaction.

"He's dead, and I have to live with whatever's left." Though, logic doesn't seem to work on Deadpool. After a second, he adds, "We all do."

"Yeah, but I give it half a run before he comes back. Everyone comes back. There's no Bucky Barnes clause anymore." A pause. He closes his eyes, and Nate doesn't know how he makes it obvious behind that mask. "He promised. Or well. He said he would."

Deadpool really believes he'll come back? He had Cable's old dead body as a pool table! All of this is kind of obvious on Nate's face. Grief makes people do and believe insane things, and this man was already helped along. "There's no way that he can come back without destabilising the time stream again."

"He doesn't say shit he doesn't believe in. That's your whole schtick." Deadpool shakes his head. "So have a little faith."

"Have faith that I did a sloppy enough job he'd be able to come back for you?" Nate has enough vitriol that Deadpool recoils, and, wait. "Look, Deadpool. I didn't want to retire him. But I had to; he couldn't be reasoned with."

"God, that's just part of the Askani'son package, ain't it. The holier-than-thou condescension. It's absolutely worse coming from a boy whose voice hasn't finished cracking. The only person that could match that was yourself."

"I'm--" Nate's not sorry. It might be what Deadpool needs to hear, but he's not in the least sorry. "I don't see how he could," he settles for. "And I don't know why you're punishing me for this."

Deadpool laughs. "Punishing you? Kiddo, I'm just not _signing a piece of paper_. Not everything can go your way, and this version of _you_ should know that. You're just throwing a tantrum. I'm not a big bad spooky monster keeping you in my basement." 

He's not having a tantrum. "There's no reason to stay married."

"Tell that to every lonely housewife--actually, it's probably an overworked pair staying together out of convenience these days, huh? Or habit. Also, tax breaks are a good enough reason for me. I'll sign papers when it matters. Fix it without me unless you're getting married to someone you actually want to get married to."

"My parents are here," Nate mumbles. He feels the brush of Mom's mind against his. He's fine. Yes. Deadpool will fill her in on details because he doesn't know them.

Deadpool lets them leave through the Staten Island Gate, and Dad mutters something about having to tell the Council that _Deadpool_ has a gate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the bodyslide tech is technically fixed but one day I will write the fic about it not being and Bable being very annoyed at Wade breaking it. 
> 
> This is completely self-indulgent so don't think too hard about it.


	3. Chapter 3

Nate always figured that if his old self ever showed up, the first thing he'd do is shoot Nate. Possibly, Old Cable'd go hug his daughter. He'd go do something with family.

He did not expect Old Cable to be having tea with Deadpool before any of those things. Or well, Deadpool has a teacup but it's probably booze. They're in the library, and Nate didn't even know Wade had a library until he got directed towards it. 

The monsters look more organized than usual. 

"You're supposed to be dead," Nate says, flatly. Dead and not almost-cuddling Deadpool and looking well rested in an overstuffed armchair. "He stole your body from your grave and put it in a pool table."

"I asked him to." Old Cable chuckles--chuckles!--as Deadpool makes his best impression of a cat curled up into Old Cable's side. He clings even when Cable tries to sit up proper instead of leaning against the back of the chair. "You did get the bomb."

Nate nods. Obviously. Otherwise he'd be dead. "So. You're back."

"You know what you were like at that age, all 'Stab my eyes' and other swears that sound like they come out of a Pathfinder gaming group, except from the future. He's tenacious." Deadpool is babbling again. "Hey Bable, you wanted to sort out paperwork? Nate's back."

"Bable?"

"Baby Cable, keep up." Deadpool finally stretches and does a flip across the room, a baby shark on his shoulder. "I still say you should have just made new papers for yourself, but we can make new papers for Nate." 

"… Are you going back to Krakoa?" Nate really doesn't want to share his parents. Not with himself. He can deal with Rachel, but not the son they still blame him for taking out. He's their son, and he's done so much for them. Except be Old Cable.

It's not fair. Everyone wants this guy over Nate. 

"Wade needs help running an island," Old Cable says. "So only call me when you can't handle time by yourself. I'm retiring."

"Pft, you'll be leading X-Force again in a month," Deadpool quips. "They missed you. And you aren't yourself when you're not going away on missions and--" He chokes on the end of the sentence.

It doesn't take a telepath to know he was going to say _leaving me_. Is Deadpool the one who made Old Cable so soft? That doesn't seem right.

"Which papers?" 

"Your divorce papers," Nate says. "Which I guess you can sign for yourself now.”

"Some mix-up meant we were still married. I figured it had something to do with how utopia island wasn't really a country, just a benevolent dictatorship," Deadpool comments. "And no, if we're getting Priscilla new papers, and you have the old ones, I'm divorcing you, not Nate."

"I never filed the papers," Old Cable admits. 

Deadpool just stares at him. "On purpose? Or was it just too tricky and put on the bottom of the pile of things to take care of; things to do with DP: _lowest possible priority._ " 

"Wade, you were the one who wanted to dissolve our partnership," Old Cable starts. "I respected that but--"

"No but. It was on purpose! You--"

Nate is trying to think about the walls and not listen to way too much relationship talk. Jeff comes up and nudges him for a pet. It's definitely a monster. Jeff scoots over to nibble on his TO hand. There's still time for Nate to hallucinate the tiny shark, but the teeth do get through the infection enough that he feels it. Strangely, petting the shark seems to help. Maybe Jeff turned into a gun? That'd be cool.

Old Cable 'paths him to, _file it quietly, and don't mention it until we send out the invites._

Oh. Uh. 

_You're telling Dad in person, right?_

_Wade insisted._

Nate walks towards the Staten Island Gate, confident that he's definitely staying Dad's favorite Cable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And all's well that ends well. 
> 
> Things I didn't include:  
> \- plot, lbr  
> \- the empty room in the summer house is definitely for OG!Nate but he doesn't use it  
> \- Hope did get her hug before this; she and Bable just don't talk or acknowledge each other's existence a lot  
> \- Wade definitely gets to put Priscilla as one of Nate's middle names on the paperwork  
> \- Bable gets used to have a sort-of older brother in OG Cable. Eventually. Being a Summers is confusing.  
> \- Nathan Summers is very proud of Wade Wilson for running an island. He's ... uh, still gonna help because Wade needs all the help. He and Elsa Bloodstone don't get along.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Invitations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27070825) by [archipelago41](https://archiveofourown.org/users/archipelago41/pseuds/archipelago41)




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